An Introduction to Me and My Mom-Guilt

Why on earth am I starting to Blog? Well...let's just say "mom-guilt" has something to do with it.

Shortly after my oldest son, Ben (now 7), was born, I decided to quit my job and be a stay-at-home-mom. It wasn't a tough decision...after my 12 weeks of maternity leave, I tried to return to work on a part-time, work-from-home basis. That lasted for a few weeks, until my boss told me she really needed me to be in the office. "Okay" I thought, "no big deal. It's just a few hours a week. Heck, it might be kinda nice to get out of the house and talk to grown-ups again." My then neighbor happened to be an at-home mom with a one-year-old and offered to watch Ben while I was away. I was thrilled that he wasn't going to be in daycare...but, also terrified that he would begin to think that the neighbor-lady was really his mom & what if he forgot all about me & what if he did something amazing while I was gone & how on earth would she be able to hold him just right, or be sure to do baby massage when he was fussy, or, or... I got a grip, gave it a shot, and told my neighbor "If he does anything amazing while I'm gone, don't tell me...I don't want to know that I missed it." Two weeks later, I came to pick him up and the first thing she said was "He rolled over!" That was it...I quit my job the next day, and haven't regretted it since. Sure, it's been tough not having the extra money...and, yes, there's been many days when I thought I'd kill myself if I had to watch Barney one more time & pretend like I enjoyed singing the "I Love You, You Love Me" song at the end. But, getting to experience all of Ben's (and Colin's, and Adam's) "firsts" SO out-weighs the tough times. I love that I've been able to be home with all of them. Which leads me to my "mom guilt".

I have been there for every milestone, every spit-up, (almost!) every diaper change. I've seen them go from newborns, to babies, to toddlers to little boys. I've kissed more bumps & bruises & scrapes than I can remember. I've played, wrestled, snuggled, danced, laughed, sang & cried with them. I have not, however, scrapbooked any of this. I think it's because I'm a stay-at-home mom that I've neglected to set aside time to chronicle and immortalize their every movements into a photographic timeline. I've often caught myself thinking "I should really write this down in (so-and-so)'s baby book", often followed by "I'll do that tomorrow, when I have more time". So many tomorrow's have passed, and I still haven't done it. I'm quite certain that my children are the only ones in our neighborhood who have no idea what they looked like as babies. Sure, we have a few framed photos on our walls, and I'm guessing that my oldest has likely put two-and-two together and at least deduced that one of those kids must have been him. But, it's not like they have piles of scrapbooks (or, heck, even photo albums...do they still make those?) to sift through whenever they feel like it.

Am I a crappy mom? Will they resent me when they're older? I like to think that my neglect will eventually play in my favor when they're in their teenage years...after all, what teenager actually WANTS photos of themselves as naked babies, tucked in albums on the coffee table for just anyone to see? But, someday, they might want to sift through a record of their childhoods. And, you know what makes all of this even worse? I actually have a ton (ton!) of scrapbooking supplies in my possession. The printed paper, the stickers, the pens...all acid-free of course. I even have printed photos from Ben's first 8 months of his life...that's as far as I got. I had GREAT intentions...it was just the follow-through that escaped me. Mom guilt.

At one point, I acknowledged that scrapbooking might not be my "thing" and perhaps I should try journaling instead. I know this because I have about 40 blank journals sitting in a box in my basement. I believe it was right after my second son, Colin (now 5), was born that I had the grand idea of starting a journal for each of them...a once-a-week recap of things they had done and said, with the intention of doing this up until their high-school graduation (hence, why I purchased 40 journals) and presenting each of them with a biographical 20-volume-set of their lives while under my care. I made 5 entries...the last one was about 4 years ago. Clearly, journaling isn't my "thing" either. More mom guilt.

So, now I have my third son, Adam (who just turned 3), and I feel exponentially more guilty because I haven't even attempted any type of record-keeping with him. I figure a Blog might just be the "thing" that will work, since I certainly don't have time to cut & trim photos on cute card stock, nor put pen to paper, what with three boys now. What more efficient way to chronicle their lives with an occassional little JPEG image to boot? I'll simply post an entry every so often, add some photos, and present them with the weblink at their graduations. Perfect! I feel my mom guilt ebbing ever so slightly :)